All About The Distance

The first romantic relationship of my life was a long distance one. I suppose that explains a lot about the circumstances surrounding my daily life. Feel free to judge but I do know quite a lot about such relationships and I think it’s very often misconstrued. In fact, I might go as far as saying that long distance relationships (LDRs) are probably the most misunderstood kind of them all. 

When you have a special someone in your life - whether you date them or not - it’s kind of inevitable to want to stay physically close to them for as long or often as possible. So what happens when you fall for someone whom you can’t meet in person whenever you want to because the physical distance becomes a dominant part of the reason? If you think such situations are not worth trying to work out, you might be really surprised if you’re ever prompted to think otherwise. 

I surely don’t blame people for thinking that this is hard, because you bet your ass it is! But to those people I ask, what kind of a relationship is NOT hard? One night stands? “Casual” dating? Friends with benefits? Honestly, I wouldn’t know. But I do know this much that when this person means a great deal to you and when they become an integral part of your existence and well-being, you can’t possibly tell me that it’s not worth trying. Unless of course, if it’s just you who feels that way about them. 

So then why is it worth it? Why choose to be with someone who lives hundreds of miles away from you when you can give it up and find someone who can be around you physically without a problem?

Physical intimacy like holding hands, exchanging hugs and lending a shoulder for one to cry on during bad days are definitely not possible in LDRs. To compensate for that, you must rely heavily on communication - whether it’s texting, calls, e-mails or postcards (I’m aware I just added postcards because you never know). Sometimes, it’s exhausting and sometimes not but it’s always worth it. Everyone has certain expectations from a relationship and their partner, and it’s probably very unlikely for those expectations to not be even slightly influenced by what we observe in the world and consume from it. What we usually observe when it comes to love and relationships, the first thing that strikes us is how physically close they are. 

Most of the romantic movies and love stories revolve around couples who are almost always close to each other. It’s also often depicted that distance breaks the bond and I feel like it’s very normalised to give up or not even try in such situations. So, naturally, physical intimacy becomes a big part of our expectations in our love lives. But when the only option to be with your person and commit to them is an LDR, it changes a lot of things for both of you. 

When both are equally invested to make things work regardless of the distance, it can be mind blowing how things can go that way and the possibilities that are not found in other kinds of relationships. The level of trust attainable in LDRs should be the legal standard for all serious relationships. For real. 

For example, if you text them and don’t receive a reply at once even after your text is signed as “seen”, it might make some of you upset or suspicious. But when you’re in LDRs, you essentially understand that your partner does not share the same routine as yours and even if something’s wrong, you are able to pick it up from something as subtle as the tone of their texts. When they have a bad day, you may not be able to hold them but your words can be at your disposal. If you ask me, even typed words can do wonders while comforting your partner who is miles away from you. 

When it’s been over a year, you can recognise the exact moment they fall asleep. It’s just like recognising our parents from the sound of their footsteps. You start to know things about them that you can’t learn simply by being next to them. The pace of LDRs are usually conveniently slow and it gives you and your partner enormous room to grow not only together but also in your individual lives. With the right person, there is no pressure to rush things and there is just the right amount of patience, privacy and freedom that we all need for ourselves and each other. Since the weight of the relationship is mostly supported by communication (which, by the way, is the biggest key to any successful relationship), it becomes a priority as much as a necessity. 

So you might often come across things like couples breaking up because they lose communication or connection. It’s not that this can’t happen in LDRs too. Of course, fights and arguments happen there too but instead of burning everything down, it fans the flames of passion between the partners. Why? Because communication is absolutely crucial in LDRs and so when anything happens there, attempts to start the recovery from it are almost always immediate, regardless of how long it takes to completely recover. 

If you’re a student who prioritises their academics over relationships or if you’re someone who is afraid of their family finding out, people like you can find LDRs to be the most comforting option. I say this out of experience because I know how common these scenarios are, at least in my country. Parents treating their kids like they (should) have nothing besides academics in their lives, and being emotionally unavailable because it’s so much easier to bash them for not studying instead of guiding them through the most emotionally and mentally turbulent phases of life - adolescence and youth, and severely punishing them for them having feelings for someone.

So, you might hear a lot of people saying that LDRs are absolutely terrible, or you might even be one of those who say and believe that. But it’s not the distance that can make an LDR terrible but the people involved in the relationship. Of course, tolerating the physical distance can make us feel terrible. But when you’re with the right partner, you will always be able to overlook that factor and feel grateful to even have them in the first place. If it’s not the right person, chances are that someone will give up and it won’t work out anyway. So, really. How amazing or terrible a long distance relationship is - doesn’t depend on the distance but the people involved. So it’s a wise choice to work on being “the right partner” as much as looking for one.