Men Don't Cry
A few months ago, I came across a TED Talk video on YouTube that was titled 'Why I'm done trying to be "man enough" | Justin Baldoni. Out of immediate curiosity, I dived straight into the video and by the time he wrapped up his speech, my mind was completely blown away! I'm sure you'll say the same after watching it. Make sure you check out the highlighted link so you don't miss it!
What really grabs my attention is that we don't usually find men and boys say the things that Justin did(that too on a massive platform like TED). That doesn't mean no one says them at all, but that those "uncomfortable" conversations aren't appreciated enough to encourage men and boys to talk about them freely. Nor do our schools teach us much about the male feminists but only women who fight for their own liberty and empowerment. Why's that so?
Male depression is very often covered up by hollow statements like, "Be a man", "Grow a pair", etc. No one points out a girl who's crying but when a boy does, he is told not to cry because apparently, "that's what girls do." The color pink, playing with kitchen toy-sets, and dressing up dolls are all stereotypically attached to femininity. Why's that so?
To understand this better, I decided to conduct a short survey among a few young men I knew personally. I gave them five of my own questions each and collected their responses. Here's what they looked like:
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Q1. How was masculinity portrayed to you in your childhood? How has it changed for you now?
Aesop : As a child, masculinity wasn't something I thought of. But my cousin and I were fascinated with He-Man, a husky toy with a great physique. I was quite interested in wrestling. Masculinity was subtle but whether in school, at home, or other social spaces, guys with a slightly feminine mannerism were mocked at. During my childhood, gender sensitivity wasn't dealt with seriousness or rather even understood. But I grew out of wrestling long back, and masculinity isn't a typical category that must stick to certain boxes to be defined. For me, now, masculinity is defined by a lot of other attributes than just physical build.
Angshuman : I wasn't brought up with a toxic masculinity ideal. My parents never said anything about a girl/woman being lesser than a boy/man. It's still unfazed but I have met some people who have different opinions. One of the concepts I was brought up with was to be able to hold the responsibilities of a husband and a family.
Subhradeep : Thankfully, I was lucky enough to be surrounded by people who didn't care much. As children, the only thing we were told was to study as hard as we could so that we didn't fail in life. Gender was never a concern in our family. Although, schools did make us keep our hair trimmed short just because we were boys.
Q2. What are the things about being a part of the male population that you think the rest of us should know?
Aesop : I cannot speak for the entire male population but there are certain things most men have in common. Men among themselves, irrespective of their age, discuss on women and girls. I mean, casual discussions like - a cute girl we spotted at the cinema, a hot lady we saw at a bar and we indulge in casual talk. All of these on purely physical appearance. But none of those talks actually transpire into reality. Even if we end up hooking up with someone, given the way our parents raised us, most of us will try to be a gentleman. P.S. a lot of men however don't. All men fantasize about other women/girls even when they are married or have a girlfriend, even the ones who say they don't. Most men want casual encounters whether they are supremely happy in a relationship or stuck in a miserable one. We are greedy and nothing is ever enough. P.S. not necessarily all men actually go and have casual encounters. But everyone wants them. Whether they go and seek them, or get them is another discussion. When a man loves another woman, he does it with all his heart, soul, and mind.
Angshuman : Well, 75% of the male community is exactly as it is portrayed - they're lazy, racist, jealous, hot-blooded, and can't handle responsibilities. But the remaining 25% do just everything they can but do not get the credit.
Subhradeep : Being a woman in this age is not easy. There are many struggles. Do you remember Math teachers calling their subject as the easiest to score a 100 in, but also the easiest to score a 0? Being a man is like a Math exam. You might make one tiny mistake and lose credit in the eyes of the world. We have to constantly prove our worth. The quote, "Women and children are loved unconditionally but men are loved on the condition that they can provide", is the harsh truth.
Q3. Whom do you idolize when you think of an 'ideal man'? Why?
Aesop : The older I got, the more I got out of the idea of an "ideal man". There is no such thing as an ideal person, for me at least. Every human is flawed and very often we tend to get carried away by the glittering life or persona we see or read about someone. There were several people I absolutely thought were my ideals during different phases in my life; only to find out their rather not-so-ideal sides. And that's all right. Not to say the concept of "ideal" is wrong. The word just doesn't fit for me in the current century. Go back 70-80 years and you'd find plenty. In today's world, sadly, most people who are even good to you will have an agenda.
Angshuman : I don't idolize anyone as an "ideal man" because such a person doesn't exist. A man can only do so much and being ideal is just a fantasy. Everyone has a different definition of being ideal. However, I haven't found any.
Subhradeep : My ideal man must be my father. He was born into a farmer's family and my grandfather was in the Army. Unfortunately, Koka demised too soon. And Father, at the mere age of 19-20, had to take responsibility for the house. He took care of the education of his 3 younger siblings, his mother, and his own self. He has come a long way, to now working in a much-coveted PSU job. He has had to sacrifice his own dreams to meet the needs of the family and has been able to provide for our wants, not just needs, in due time.
Aesop : I am glad that we can today have a healthy debate or discussion on feminism. Just as recently as 15 years ago, when I was in middle school, the word never came up - be it in discussions or even in a book ( at least I don't recall reading it ). For me, if I were to explain it to someone who doesn't know much about it, I'd want to talk about how it is about women and their rights and their place in society. It isn't about being superior to men, it isn't about hijacking the gender discourse, but about the place of women and the gender discussion in the modern world. Feminism isn't a cause to be championed just by women, but our very attitudes and mentality in forming an equal society.
Angshuman : My views on feminism are not fully correct because I have seen only the bad side of the feminist community so far. There are many wonderful feminists out there but about others, I cannot say much... Well, to explain someone I would say it was a movement started by a group of women who wanted equal rights as of men instead of being denied basic services because of their gender.
Subhradeep : Feminism is the need of the hour. Sadly, however, a lot of the women in previous generations don't believe in feminism themselves. That just goes to say how deep the oppression ran. To explain it to someone who doesn't know what it is, I would just tell them its gender equality. To treat as they wish to be treated.
Q5. What do you think is your responsibility as a male person in society? What values would you try to pass on?
Aesop : As a responsible male, the first thing is to always be a responsible male. Respecting women and ensuring that everything I do with a girl should be with her consent. Owning up to my mistakes is very important. No matter however bad it may seem, it's important to own up to past mistakes. I'm not sure if I am someone to pass on values but as long as I can tell a younger lad to be responsible, I think I would have done my job. Values come from home first, then at school. If someone's interested, they'll take your advice. Most times, most people don't. So I'm not someone to give advice. The values they should learn must be imparted at home. If I were to give advice I'd only say, "Be responsible". Be responsible when you drink, when you smoke, when you gamble, when you hook up, when you use a condom or when you forget to, when you cheat on someone, all that stuff. That's what I would tell them.
Angshuman : As a male, I think my main responsibility is to hold our ground and take the heat and be useful to our parents or our family if not for something great. I would like to pass on the same value.
Subhradeep : Quite frankly, I don't think I have any specific responsibility as a man. Everyone has the same responsibility as a human, from one generation to another, to protect the weak and to preserve the beautiful. I think the most important precious virtue as of now is patience. People, in frustration, have become too impatient and haste only makes waste.
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To conclude, men need to be included in the feminist movement as much as the women are because they, sure as hell, have a lot to say too. In fact, everyone should be included regardless of their gender. Being a (cis/trans) man, (cis/trans) woman or a non-binary cannot be an explanation of how they are treated by society. Conversely, no strict definition of fitting into a gender should be imposed on a person only to be accepted as "normal" by society.
Women aren't the only ones falling prey to sexual assaults. It can be anyone (hell, you can be anything because even animals aren't left out)! Most people don't believe that a boy or man can be raped. They are convinced that it's completely ridiculous. Well then, HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED TO JAYARAJ AND FENIX IN TAMIL NADU?! That is just one of the cases that received a highlight recently but there are many still left undetected and unresolved. Why are only girls made to attend self-defense classes in schools and not boys? Don't they ever need to defend themselves from attackers? Don't they require to understand the menstrual cycles of a woman as a natural process and not a taboo? Don't they need to be made aware about the truth behind pornography (since it's impossible to prevent them from watching it anyway)? Doesn't everyone, boy or girl, deserve the right to equal, healthy and honest sex education?
UN Women's Goodwill Ambassador and actor Emma Watson in a speech for inaugurating a campaign called 'He for She' in the UN, said,
"For the record, feminism by definition is: 'The belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities. It is the theory of the political, economic and social equality of the sexes.' In 1995, Hilary Clinton made a famous speech in Beijing about women's rights. Sadly many of the things she wanted to change are still a reality today.
But what stood out for me the most was that only 30 per cent of her audience were male. How can we affect change in the world when only half of it is invited or feel welcome to participate in the conversation?
Men--I would like to take this opportunity to extend your formal invitation. Gender equality is your issue too, because to date, I've seen my father's role as a parent being valued less by society despite my needing his presence as a child as much as my mother's.
I've seen young men suffering from mental illness, unable to ask for help for it would make them look less "macho"--in fact in the UK, suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20-49 years of age; eclipsing road accidents, cancer and coronary heart disease. I've seen men made fragile and insecure by a distorted sense of what constitutes male success. Men don't have the benefits of equality either.
We don't often talk about men being imprisoned by gender stereotypes but I can see that they are and that when they are free, things will change for women as a natural consequence. If men don't have to be aggressive in order to be accepted, women won't feel compelled to be submissive. If men don't have to control, women won't have to be controlled.
Both men and women should feel free to be sensitive. Both men and women should feel free to be strong... It is time that we all perceive gender on a spectrum not as two opposing ideals."
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