Blog Intermission!

 Hi there, dear reader. I hope you're doing okay and staying safe from the turbulent waves of CoVid-19. Last year did take a toll on everyone and it was no different for me. It was definitely a shit load of stress and anxiety many of us had to deal with. But as time works, we got through it. We weren't hit by meteorites, the world didn't end, Trump lost his throne, and we're still here. We're already through more than three months in 2021 and well of course, the pandemic still goes on.

Last night, I realized that it had been a while since I wrote anything about my personal life here. To be honest, a lot has happened since the last time I shared about my life here. If you ever happen to go through this blog from the first post to the last one, you might notice the paradigm shift in focus from my personal life to the lives of others, then to social issues, and so on. That, more or less, shows how my thoughts evolved and also, how this blog became more than what it used to be.

So where the hell was I?

To answer that, I probably have to pick up where I left off and that should be around... 9th December, 2018, where I mentioned that "final year was taking a toll on me". I was referring to 12th grade there, by the way. Things I wrote after that were mostly about generalized topics and not directly about my life.

So let's cut to the chase. It was not only 12th grade that took a toll on me but it was my entrance exam too. Pro tip: If you don't want to take entrance exams like NEET because of whatever reason, please let it go. It would save your ass on many levels if you put all that effort into something you truly want to pursue instead of putting it into something that you were forced into. Especially if we're talking about exams like these. Trust. Me. 

Now as you might've already guessed, it wasn't the best time of my life. My mental health was a total mess, I was under constant pressure from people at home and junior college, and I was convinced that I wasn't going anywhere. I passed my H.S. in 2019 and as I expected, didn't make it through the entrance exam. I was told to try it again next year and so I did. It was 2020 and we were hit by the pandemic for the first time and everyone was trapped in their homes for months in a row. It wasn't a change for me, to be honest. I had been living that way for the past three years and so, lockdowns and quarantine made little to no difference to me. 

Meanwhile, I didn't join anywhere else and spent the whole year dealing with this one stupid exam. A few months after it happened, the results were declared and all three of my classmates except me were able to score well and they were all admitted in different colleges for MBBS. I didn't score that much but I was genuinely surprised by my scores. My expectations were much lower than my final score. I wasn't exactly happy about that. It was more like, I didn't care anymore. My parents, teachers, and I, accepted that I wouldn't make it through this time either. Having said that, I resumed preparing for the same exam for this year (2021), for a third attempt.

But as it turned out, on 31st January, I was informed that a seat for BDS in Government Dental College, Silchar (GDCS) was available and I could take admission there if I wanted to. I told my parents that I didn't want to pursue Dentistry. I didn't tell them that it was because I wanted to pursue Psychiatry, for which MBBS was mandatory. They knew that already, I guess. Besides, my parents wanted the same thing. For the first time in a very long time, my parents and I wanted the same thing. 

You see, one major thing about these entrance exams was the uncertainty of making it through. As you saw just now, everyone was convinced that I had no chance of getting through. But at the very end, I did get something out of luck, even if it wasn't something I wanted. But since my parents hoped that I could still pursue MBBS if I tried hard enough on the third try, and also since I finally knew what I wanted, it was felt that a backup plan was needed. So, it was decided that I would take admission in GDCS and try NEET 2021. The intention of taking up BDS was that if I didn't crack NEET this year, I'd have BDS as my backup and I will not have wasted another year. 

Pro tip: If you ever find yourself in such a situation, before you take the same decision that was taken for me, know that BDS is NOT a piece of cake. People who tell you that it is, have no earthly idea of what they're talking about. Take it from someone who is currently facing the raw consequences of that decision. Unless you are capable of handling two completely different super-gigantic tasks together because you really want to, try to avoid getting there. It's better to lose another year than lose the rest of your life to something you don't want.

So that is where I am today! I'm currently admitted as a first year student in BDS while struggling to crack NEET 2021 at the same time. BDS is no less of a struggle either. I can't emphasize it enough but it is wise not to underestimate BDS before getting into it. So in case you're in that position, just make sure you're absolutely sure you want to do whatever you choose to do. I might come off as intimidating but I assure you that I'm being 100% honest, as per my personal experience.

As for my social life, I could say that my friends no longer forget that I exist and even though I am yet to make many more important things happen, I can say that I'm in a better place. That reminds me... Another major thing happened to me during my writer's block. You might've read about Izzi Rojas on 'The Answer to Everything', back in April 2020. If you haven't, click here to check it out. It has been a year since then indeed! Anyways, as life-changing as that interview was for me, it's not the major thing I referred to.

You see, during that time, I was questioning my sexual orientation and trying to understand myself better. Izzi Rojas played a huge role in leading me to exactly what I was looking for. They helped me discover my true identity, not directly but they inspired me to do so which ultimately led me to the answer. Questioning my sexual orientation put me through a journey of exploring way beyond sexual orientation itself. As I came across the things, they started to make more and more sense to me. It was confusing for sure. Initially, I thought I was bisexual. I came out to my brother, cousin, and my best friends as bisexual. But then I wasn't sure because I always knew that I was missing something very huge. Only when I came across non-binary people, my puzzle was complete. Izzi was the first non-binary person I came to know about. Non-binary was the huge missing piece that was not letting me accept my apparent sexuality wholeheartedly. 

As I dug deeper and deeper into things, I realized that I was not bisexual. In fact, gender meant nothing to me when it came to being attracted to someone. I realized that I'm attracted to people for who they are and not for the gender they identify as. I discovered that I was gender blind. That is how I came to terms with my true sexual orientation - Pansexuality. Ever since then, I identify as a pansexual girl with the pronouns she/her. I cannot express or explain how incredibly liberating this discovery was for me. It feels amazing to embrace one's true identity and not live in shame and confusion for being queer, which is likely to be the case for many. 

I did correct myself in front of the ones I came out to as bisexual. At first, I was pretty shy and conserved about this fact and I didn't wish to let anyone besides my closest people know. But eventually, I gained confidence and felt responsible to represent and express myself over social media. Having said that, I am currently open about my sexuality and I don't mind anyone knowing it and having opinions about it. I must say that I received a lot of support from the people I came out to. I was more than glad about deciding to tell them and it made the whole process so much easier. Pansexuality is not a very popularly known thing but I sure don't mind solving people's curiosities. So, please feel free to ask me if you have any such curiosities about my journey with sexuality. :) 

It's always better to learn and know about things we don't know or understand, before we judge them or have biased opinions about them. This brings me to the end of this life update for now and I hope to get over my writer's block soon! Until then, take care and good luck.