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 I don’t believe that people are either good or bad. People are just people. We tend to think that sinners and criminals are monsters but they aren’t. At one point or another, they have done good things in their life too. We tend to think that saints and “good people” are angels but they aren’t. At one point or another, they have done bad things in their life too. They are all people – sinners or saints. The world is not equivalent to what one person thinks. It is a big chaotic bubble of toothbrushes, museums, slippers, lizards, door handles, dog poop, and crumbs in the eye corners after waking up, death, butterflies, wind, blood, trees, and the constant sound of the world going on. Airplanes are beautiful. The clouds always look like an abandoned kingdom when I look out through the tiny window. Why is it so rare that birds hit airplanes when the sky is full of them both? Is it because it’s against Nature’s law? Who makes the rules – God? Was God forced to follow a superior force’s rules too? But then again, God never told us he was there. We basically created something that had all the answers and was superior to everything, all out of belief.

Is it the same law that applies to people who turn out to be a sinner or a saint through the world’s eyes? Why do we try so hard to live despite knowing that we’ll have to embrace death with our own arms? There is no escape and everyone knows. We pretend to not know, to be okay, and spend almost our whole life trying to be happy and make others happy, sometimes at our own cost. We romanticize and idolize “strong people”. But then again, strong people are only people, not Hercules. They are not strong all the time. People are strong sometimes, weak sometimes, a little lost sometimes, or completely aware sometimes. Why do we punish? Who are we to judge other people’s fate? You take away fame, money, and people from a so-called powerful person, they’ll just be ordinary. People are scared of success. They won’t hate you if you’re scared of it too. They’ll hate you when you aren’t.

I’m not a good person or a bad person. I’m just the product of impacts made by my family, my friends, relatives, strangers I’ve talked to, or personalities I’ve heard about, and the society I grew up in. I am the lessons I got from my experiences. I am a story without a cover but with a cost that keeps changing according to where I am in my life. I cry for people who are in pain – regardless of whether they are strangers or my closest friends. Yes, I cry for strangers too because it’s how my body reacts to people dealing with trauma. Maybe I take empathy too seriously but you know what, that’s me. I’m not proud of it but nor am I ashamed of it. I have this strange need to make everyone like me as much as possible. Since usually, people don’t like to be rejected, I find it nearly impossible to say ‘no’. I let others have what they want from me even if I’m not okay with it, just so that they would like me. The irony behind all this is that I don’t really care what people think of me and at the same time, I want to be liked. The picture is completely different if we develop bad blood. But otherwise, I want everyone to like me for just the way I am. I didn’t know there was a label that existed to represent this kind of people. People pleaser. I discovered that I was one after a recent incident where I let someone else invade my privacy without my permission even though I was not okay with it at all. I miss touch. I’ve been touch-deprived for years and I want to hug a certain someone more than anything else. When I think of that hug, I remember darkness. This darkness is far from anything bad or evil. This darkness is peacefully quiet and comfortable. This darkness will surround and embrace me from all directions the moment I close my eyes when we hug. I crave this darkness. The darkness I have within myself feeds on itself to compensate for that craving. I’m not lonely all the time. But sometimes, I am, when the thoughts in my head don’t make sense because they’re all random and jumbled up and overlapped and broken and incomplete and some go in loops.

The never-ending race to win and the responsibilities to fulfill their expectations tires me. I live on breaths that I run out of. I don’t want easy but I want… I don’t know what I want. Or maybe I do. I do but I don’t know how. I know how but I don’t why. Why I can’t do things I want and need to do. I’m broken sometimes. I don’t feel like following my own advice. Sometimes I say and do things very consciously, thinking that they might be the last things I ever say or do. I do feel like ceasing to exist sometimes. I do feel like existing as completely as possible sometimes. I’m not good at carrying hate. At least I thought so. What changed my mind? Well… You never really know hate until you know love. They are not two sides of a coin but they are un-identical twins. I love dark chocolate and stars. I love people who respect differences and who are curious about the right things. I love people who like to challenge the rules and refuse to accept conventional concepts of life. Am I describing myself in a way? Maybe. Does that mean I love myself? Maybe. Does that mean I’m a narcissist? Not at all. I have insecurities and there are parts of me that I haven’t fully understood how to love. There are things that I hate about myself. As I said, I don’t believe that people are either good or bad. I refuse to judge things that are so damn complex on the basis of two extreme polarities. Hate is a strong word but so is love. Isn’t it?

I’m always bleeding but I can’t see any blood. I have huge theories of how I fail and prove those people, who said I would, right. I’ve made mistakes because sometimes I wanted to and sometimes I didn’t. I can’t help but think that we are told only what we want to hear. (sigh) I don’t know… There’s a lot on my mind. Sex, studies, death, loss, failure, happiness, exhaustion, the aftertaste of fish curry, the noise of everything… No matter how much I write, it won’t be enough. I don’t have a button to turn it all off so... maybe pouring it out is the only way. I think I’ll get some sleep now.