The Answer to Everything

When I think about it, I realize that contrary to what people might think of me, I have a lot of pent-up anger inside me. This anger is my inspiration and the primary fuel which drives me to write. Most of those who are familiar with my personal life tend to feel sorry for me and I don't really blame them. There was a time when I had a happy social life but as a consequence of many things, I don't anymore. 

Along with the realization that whenever I share my story with others I take on a victim narrative, I also realize why I ever did that. This is what happens when you are a people-pleaser or someone with an excessive need to be liked by everyone. When you sympathize with someone, you tend to like them. I found myself explaining my situation to others countless times and honestly, I don't know why. My friends have always meant the world to me and yet now I know that I lost a bunch of them already. I never pushed anyone away; it's just that they moved on from me. Eventually, I decided to move on too. 

NEET consumed a huge chunk of my life and I honestly never knew what I signed up for. I just accepted everything I was told to do and put my faith blindly in someone else's hands, trusting that they knew better. But you know what? They never did. You have no idea what it's like to prepare for something like this unless you have been through the same road yourself. The easiest thing for others to do is to throw some moral advice at me, or just feel sorry for me, or to just ignore and move on. I'd probably do the same if I were them. 

The biggest mistake of my life was Sudeepta Kashyap. I'm sure he's leading a great, happy, and promising life now. I'm happy for him. Because he was my biggest mistake, it was also the one that taught me the most. What went down with me was never his fault. Even though I blamed him for a long time, I knew it wasn't his fault. He just wanted a normal happy relationship with someone he met online and ended up liking. He never intended to shove me down a deep dark hole. But I fell anyway.

Maybe he needed someone who didn't have issues and had a liberal life themselves. It doesn't matter anymore what or how it should've been, but I do think about it often. I have to. It's my coalmine of lessons. Those were the most formative years of my life. I think they're still not over yet. Anyways, that entire episode led me to where I am today - running on a treadmill for over five years. 

But unlike how everyone else feels about me, I don't feel sorry for myself. In fact, I feel proud of myself - incredibly proud. I feel so proud of how far I have come and how I overcame every single storm that came my way. So, if I'm honest, I don't need anyone else's validation. I know people will always judge me and I couldn't bother less about it. It's really easy to tell me to just study and get into a damn college where everything will be okay. It's really easy to tell me to just keep grinding. It's really easy to just leave. But if there's someone else you know who is in a similar situation like mine, just don't do anything that gives off an impression of sympathy. 

No one needs your sympathy. If someone shares their story with you, just ask if they want your advice or whether they just want you to listen. It's really that fucking simple :)

Nowadays, even though they "like" your posts and see your stories, no one replies to texts the moment they see them. They'll wait for at least an hour or even a whole day or sometimes, even more, to reply because they don't wanna look like they're on the phone 24/7 because they don't have a life. So when they take too long to respond, you might think they're busy but more often than not, they're just ignoring your texts till they feel like replying. It's the truth. 

In a nutshell, no one really bothers about what you're dealing with. They have their own issues to keep them up through the nights, they'd rather not take up yours too. This is okay because it's no one else's responsibility to make sure you're okay. It's no one's responsibility to save you. It's no one's responsibility to comfort you when you're low. It's your own responsibility. Also, those people that want to just leave you, let them leave. LET THEM LEAVE. Let the trash take itself out. 

They say our generation is a selfish one but honestly, the ones who say it are the reasons why we have to be selfish and why unselfish people like me have it the worst. PUT YOURSELF AT THE TOP OF YOUR FUCKING LIST BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT AT THE TOP OF ANYONE ELSE'S.